Today’s Connection Ugh

Today’s story comes from B, and it hit me right in the heart because it touches on something so many of us have experienced but rarely talk about. You know those friendship endings that leave you with more questions than answers? Yeah, those.

Here’s what B wrote: After a friendship breakup with her college bestie, she found herself struggling to make sense of it all. No real explanation, no chance for a face-to-face conversation - just… silence. Then she happened to listen to my conversation with Patrice about friendship breakups, and something shifted. Hearing someone else name this experience as “one of the biggest tragedies and mysteries” of their life made B feel less alone in her grief — because she’s not! So many people have experienced friendship breakups, we just rarely talk about them.

BTW - I share about mine in that episode with Patrice, so tune in if you wanna hear my story.

Why Friendship Breakups Hit So Hard

You know, when B shared her story, it reminded me why I call friendship breakups one of the most tragic and mysterious experiences we have as adults.

Unlike romantic breakups, there’s no roadmap for this. No one talks about how to process losing someone who knew all your inside jokes, who you texted about random Tuesday thoughts, who you assumed would just… always be there.

The Silence, Rejection, and Haunting Questions

The silence is what gets me every time. At least in romantic relationships, there’s usually some kind of conversation, even if it’s messy. But friendship breakups often happen in this weird gray area where someone just… stops showing up. They don’t return your calls, they’re suddenly “busy” every time you suggest hanging out, or they just ghost completely.

What makes it even harder is that we don’t have language for this kind of loss. When someone’s romantic relationship ends, people know to check in, to bring ice cream, to ask how you’re doing. But when a friendship ends? People don’t even know it happened half the time.

I think part of what makes friendship breakups so devastating is that we choose our friends in a way we don’t choose family. These are people we actively decided to love, to trust with our secrets, to include in our daily lives. So when that choice gets… un-chosen… it feels like a rejection of who we are at our core.

And here’s what I’ve learned from my own friendship breakup and from talking to hundreds of people about theirs: the questions never fully go away. “What did I do wrong? Could I have saved it? Are they happier without me?” These questions can haunt us for years because we rarely get the closure we need.

What I Want You to Know

Sometimes friendships end not because someone is the villain or because you were a bad friend, but because people grow in different directions, or because someone doesn’t have the tools to work through conflict, or because life circumstances make it impossible to show up the way the friendship needs.

That doesn’t make it hurt less, but it might make it make more sense.

The other thing I’ve noticed? We’re often grieving multiple losses at once. We’re grieving the person they used to be, the friendship we had, and also the future we thought we’d have together. All those plans, all those “we’ll definitely do this someday” conversations - that future just… disappears. That’s a lot to hold at one time, so be kind to yourself.

If This Is You Right Now

If you’re going through this right now, I want you to know that what you’re feeling is completely valid. The confusion, the anger, the sadness, even the relief if the friendship had become draining - all of it is normal and okay.

Take This Further

• 🎧 The Real Pain of Friendship Breakups with Patrice Poltzer​
• This IG Post about Friendship Breakups went viral, and the comments section is full of 1,000s of IRL stories to make you feel less alone.

Your Turn

This is a space to talk, so let’s just dive on in.

Have a friendship breakup story you want to share? We’re all ears. What was the hardest part for you? Is it the silence, the unanswered questions, or something else entirely?

​​​​​​